How the disordered eating started…

(note* the picture featured is pre-weight loss, figured I’d add a little snapshot of my old self)

I might as well tell you about what type of disordered eating I suffered from. I fell into that classic cycle of dieting and binge eating most people who have dieted have experienced before. However, it took a turn to the slightly more extreme. I was scared that all the calories I was eating during my binges would make me gain weight so I started spitting out everything I binged on. It was a weird type of purging. At first I thought I had found the solution and that I could just keep going like this, but it got to the point where I had to hide. I would wait until my parents were out of the house so I could binge and purge. As soon as I would hear our automatic garage door open I would scramble to hide the evidence of what I was doing. The more this happened the more I started to get scared. My mom and I had previously been addicted to a show called Intervention, so I was smart enough to know that I was developing bulimic habits and I desperatly did not want to go down that road.

Even knowing this I did not tell anyone what was going on for a many months. I was scared. This was the kind of stuff that you heard about happening to other girls. I didn’t want to be that girl. I didn’t want everyone to look at me and feel sorry for me. Pity wasn’t something I was about to walk into willingly. I was also scared about the stigma of mental illness. I didn’t want everyone in my life to think that I was eternally sad and only faking happiness on the outside, because I was and am a truly happy person.

I have an amazing life with amazing friends who make me laugh, a family that provides unconditional love, a boyfriend who has never made me feel anything less than beautiful, so how could I have felt/ sometimes feel that way even now?  The truth is that it has nothing to do with that, its a battle that you are having with yourself and no matter how many times someone tells you that you’re beautiful you will always think that they’re lying because your own mind makes it so that you don’t belive a word of it.

I sought out a councelor at my university and this helped but after a while she strongly suggested that I see someone specialized in disordered eating. I could not afford to get a councelor on my own so one quiet night in our living room I broke down in tears and confessed everything to my parents. They were shocked but at the same time expected it. My mom had noticed how food would disappear at rapid speed from the pantry. They were both heart broken, especially my mom and that was hard to watch but from that instant they were nothing but supportive and they got me the councellor of my choice right away. Soon after tearful confessions were also made to my boyfriend, my sister and very close friends. I was filled with love to see how much support I was getting from everyone around me.

So here I am, a little over one year after coming out of hiding. I have gotten a lot better. I no longer really binge and purge and if I do eat too much much I manage to keep all my food down and eventhough I am scared about gaining weight swollowing bad foods was a personal victory.

I still have breakdowns about my body. I cry once in a while and somedays I feel so disgusted with my self I avoid looking at my body in the mirror as I step into the shower. Eventhough I don’t binge like I used to I still feel out of control around certain foods, especially sweets. The happy part is that I’ve come a long way eventhough food and body image are constant thoughts in the back of my head and I hope to improve further and record my journey for whoever it may help.

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